Rebuilding Life While Parenting

James Guttman 0:00

HiPod I'm Dad. HiPod, it's James Gutman, and it is the end of October. It is 2026. Guys, thank you so much for joining me here on HiPodImDad.com or any streaming servers from Spotify to iHeartRadio. We are there. Thank you for finding me. It has been a busy week, right? I think we all get to that point sometimes in our lives where we're like, all right, we're gonna fix this, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do that. And I'm rebuilding and I'm I'm working on things and getting myself into good spots. I am actually working on a project that is uh it's running slow, but what I like about it is I'm on my own pace. I will let you guys know all about that as we get through that as well. But yeah, good stuff all around, but but as you know, when we try to better ourselves and do different things, it can get frustrating and it can get disheartening. It can get sometimes pretty annoying. And here's the craziest thing about it all. I am the father of two children. My daughter Olivia is away at school. My son Lucas is here with me on Long Island. I have him for half the week. Lucas is nonverbal and he has profound autism, severe autism. We have to put a word in front of it because just uh it's such a catch-all that sometimes it's hard for people to get an idea of who he is and kind of what my situation is. And it's funny, I've talked to other parents with children similar to Lucas, and one of the things that they run into is the same thing I run into, is that people don't they don't picture him when I talk about him. And the reason why is because I say a lot of positive things about my son. And the reason why is there are a lot of positive things to say about Lucas. He's great. Um, I'm gonna

Why People Misread Profound Autism

James Guttman 1:40

get into all that in a second. But when I do that, the assumption that many make is that he must be high functioning. I dealt with this when I wrote the the Huffpo piece last year, where I went in and I talked about not wanting a cure, quote unquote, for my son's autism. Um, and even now I'll stand by that and I'll explain it if I have to. I I said I want my son to learn, I want my son to um better himself, I want a natural progression of his understanding. I want all of that to happen. But if I had a magic wand and I could take autism away from him, I wouldn't do it because that's who he is. It's been him since he was a baby. And to me, it was a simple concept. Makes sense, right? I love my kid unconditionally, they tell you to do that, so I do that. But of course, whether it's political or whether it's out of fear, I dealt with like 99% positive feedback. But some of the negative feedback was like, well, that's because your son can live a happy life, but you don't know. Some parents they'll have to take care of their kids for the rest of their life. Some parents have to help them eat and tie their shoes. And I'm like, yes, all of those things. That's my life. They couldn't fathom it. So I'd write back and then either I wouldn't get a reply or I would get some sort of like, oh, I didn't realize. No one can understand that if my child requires a great amount of care, which make no mistake, Lucas requires a great amount of care, that I could still be like overly happy to have him in my life. He has profound autism, but I'm profoundly happy when he's around me. And I don't know, maybe it's just been me my whole life. Like, I don't care about extra work, I don't care about extra tasks and responsibilities if I'm doing it for something that I love, whether it's a job or a person or a situation or life. And I think that's why I've dealt with you know insanity so much. I've I've dealt with some pretty insane people for years on end. And people are like, How did you deal with that so long? And it's like, well, because I convinced myself that it was something that I loved. But when it comes to my son, when it comes to both of my kids, I love them both. And I know I do, and I'll tell you why. As I said before, I'm rebuilding this week, right? And all the stuff, disheartening, yada, yada, yada. And all I could think when my son wasn't here was, I wish he was here right now. Which sounds insane. Like, James, you're doing all these things, you're working on this, and you're sending emails and blah, blah, blah. How could you want this extra responsibility in your life? Because it's worth it. It's worth the trade-off of who Lucas is. Now, who is Lucas? Lucas is um one of the most emotionally

Meltdowns And The Need To Be Understood

James Guttman 4:10

honest people I've ever known. And I mean, it's a phrase, I hope it makes sense. Lucas is honest with his emotions. Lucas does not BS you. If he's happy, he's happy. If he's sad, he's sad. And I said it before, whenever I talk about him in this sense, it sounds like an indictment of all these other people who have, you know, tons of words. And you know what? It kind of is a little bit. Because dealing with Lucas is exactly how I want to deal with everybody. Tell me the truth. Tell me what you think. I don't want to have to figure out what you're not saying, you know. And that's always been um an issue, not just for me, but for anybody that you might have in your life. People do it all the time. You got to figure somebody out. Oh, that's what he's doing. That's but Lucas is honest. Lucas will come to me with his true emotions. And most, if not pretty much all the time, Lucas is happy. If he wants something, especially with me, and he knows he's gonna get it, he's still happy. Lucas rarely will have a meltdown with me that isn't bratty. And let me explain the difference on that too. Like there's different kinds of meltdowns, right? There's there's a bratty meltdown of I want that. And then there's the meltdown that Lucas used to have, which was when you would hit a lapse in understanding, when he wants something and you don't know what it is and you can't figure it out, and he doesn't think you're gonna figure it out, he would have a meltdown. If he wanted to go eat and the restaurant is closed, and you're pulling him away from a closed restaurant, which I dealt with years ago. I wrote a blog about it, taking my daughter out. We had gone um to have brunch, and he was starving, and this poor kid went from place to place, and it was like right at this weird time of the day where some places are closed and most places aren't open yet. And we go to this place, the bluebird kitchen out here on Long Island. I'll give them a plug. I know it was expensive, it wasn't the best food in the world, but there you go. So, um, but still, Bluebird Kitchen. So we go to the Bluebird Kitchen and we get out of the car, and he's out, we're like, we're gonna go eat finally. And we go in and they're cleaning up and they're like, oh, sorry. I'm like, all right, we'll come back. And we start leaving. And in the parking lot, I could see him getting riled up, and he starts. And it's different, right? Like he doesn't um, when you hear meltdown, people assume this, like, you know, Tasmanian devil, hands in the air, spinning around in circles, hitting everything in sight. And don't get me wrong, Lucas has definitely had some flailing out moments, but for the most part, with him, it requires um it requires you to know what to look for when it's coming, right? So it starts with like this low level. I used to call it the baby elephant when he was a little bit. No baby elephant, Lucas. Like the like the trunk is going. Um, but then what he does is he digs his heels in and he won't move. And then he'll sit down and he won't move. And it doesn't matter where you are, he'll do it in a parking lot, he'll do it in the, you know, in the entranceway of a cracker barrel, right? Which he's done before too. And I learned, and one of the things I was able to do then, and and trust me, look, I get it. It's not always as feasible, but when it comes to Lucas, it required me to sit down with him. And I did that. And I've done that every time he's had this kind of meltdown. I did it at Cracker Barrel, I did it at the Bluebird Kitchen parking lot. And I sit next to him and I rub his back. Hey, buddy, I'm like, we're gonna eat, we're gonna eat. I try to do everything I can to show him that I get it. I do the hand motions. You want to eat, right? You want to look at me, hand to the mouth. I'm like, yeah, we're gonna eat. I promise, we're gonna eat. Just gotta wait, wait, just wait, promise, I promise we're gonna eat. We need food. Pizza, you want pizza? And I want him to know that I know. And I discovered something that day specifically, that bluebird kitchen day. I discovered that he just needs to know that you know. He wants to eat right then and there, but he's not like, like if it was me, right? If you have a friend and they want to eat and you can't go to the restaurant right then and there, and you're like, hey, dude, we're gonna go eat soon, I promise. And they're still upset. They usually don't let it go because they know you're gonna feed them. They just want it now. It's like, I want it now, Daddy. Lucas isn't like that. Lucas definitely wants things now and he wants to get what he wants, but he wants to know that you know what he wants. And dude, I get that because I can't fathom it. And I've said this a million times. I would never imagine what it must be like to be hungry and not know if the people around you are gonna feed you. And because of that, Lucas doesn't have a lot of those meltdowns anymore because Lucas always knows that I'm going to feed him. Now, I said before he might have those immediate meltdowns where he wants pizza right now. We gotta wait, but all right, hey, hey. But those meltdowns are more whiny. Um, I even I don't even call them meltdowns, they're just kind of like he walks away. Go, go inside, I'll call you. We're gonna eat soon. Come here, you want to see? Look, I open the oven, I show him the pizza. Look, it's cooking, it's cooking. Because I get him, I understand this kid. And that's why the blog this week was called My Son Doesn't Need Words to Know That I'm Listening. And he doesn't.

How Lucas Pulls Me Back

James Guttman 9:05

So much of our lives are all about nonverbal communication, knowing what someone's thinking. I said in the beginning, the thing about Lucas is that he's emotionally honest. And that separates him from a lot of people because there are people with a million words where the trick is to not listen to any of the words they're saying. What are they not saying? What does his face say? Did you see what he did? You see when you walked away, he did this or he rolled his eyes? You're like, oh yeah, that guy's a jerk. I didn't even realize he was a jerk. With Lucas, there is none of that. Lucas wants to eat, he wants to eat right now. If he's upset, it's because he doesn't think he's gonna eat. So he just needs to know that you're gonna feed him. And that makes him, in my opinion, easier to deal with. But in terms of his happiness, in terms of his personality, in terms of why I wish he was here this week during some of the rough moments, Lucas doesn't let you be down. And I mean that 100%, and it is the sweetest, greatest gift I've ever been given. And it happened years ago. I talked about I had had a job that was eliminated right before Christmas. It was terrible. And I remember this being like, I guess this isn't the end of the world. It was like like three or four years ago. And he wouldn't let me be sad. He wasn't aware of anything about the job. He wasn't even aware that I was sad. I mean, he might be, I don't know, but I don't really know if he picks up on that or whatever. All I know is that he was happy. He's happy with his iPad, he's happy with his day. And I would literally be in my den sitting there, forlorn, just like staring at the wall, like, oh my God, what the hell's going on? And here comes my guy jumping over to me, taps me on the shoulder and smiles. And I'm like, all right, buddy. And he does this all the time. He is honestly this um, this beacon of hope and happiness in my world. And that's why I am so blessed to have him. And that is what I try to tell people. And that is the point of this blog, that is the point of this podcast, that is the point of everything I do. High World on Dad, the book that I rarely promote, all these things are to tell the world about who my son is and why he is special. And he is so special. The way that he kind of turns my mood around, and I gotta credit him for it, man. I I always go back, and if you listen to the first episode, I know last week we had our seven-year anniversary of High Pod. So I kind of pushed the first episode where I tell you the backstory of my Quintuple bypass when I was 35 years old out of nowhere, had to have heart surgery, changed my life. And after that, I became a different person. I was less stressed, I was less worried, I was less upset, more positive, all that stuff. And that attitude has helped me be a better dad to him, to be patient with him and understanding and trying to find our common ground. Whereas there would have been a time where I would have thought that the world was burning down. I wouldn't have looked for common ground, I would have tried to fix everything about him. He can't do this and he can't do that. But I learned, I learned to understand him and accept him. Right. And he saw that. And doing that built this relationship with the two of us where he knows I'm his guy. He knows I have his back, he knows that I understand him, perhaps better than anyone else in the world. And because of that, he then gets to remind me to stay happy. He has become this person who comes to me and makes me positive and makes me happy, it makes me proud. I'm able to see when I have moments that connect to him. We started doing this thing, this thing last week. I tried to write about it and I didn't write about it. I might write about it eventually. It might even be better for the uh for the podcast, where since he was little, there are songs that I would sing to him, and sometimes he doesn't want to hear the songs, and it becomes a joke. Where, like, when he was tiny, he would he would hit himself in the head to make me stop singing these two Raffi songs that I know he loves. And the irony is that if you get past the first like verse, he's into it with you. And the songs are like, you know, I clap, you clap when there's a little rock in your shoe, and you go boing, boing, when there's a bouncing ball, and he does all the movements and he's into it. But when it first starts, he's not into it. I think the reason why is because he knows once it starts, he has to finish it, right? Because that's who Lucas is. So he's always like, no, don't do it, don't do it. So last week I discovered that if I do the song in like this silly, ridiculous, goofy voice, he laughs. And it is rare that Lucas will laugh at something that isn't physical touching or some sort of physical humor. What I'll do is like I'll turn to him that one of the our favorite jokes is I'll stand in front of him, I go, okay, Lucas, I have to go bye now. And I turn like I'm walking, and then I get three steps and I pivot on my foot towards him and I lunge at him for a tickle. And he loves it. He thinks it's so funny. But again, that's physical humor, it's tickling or whatever. I literally look at him, and the song goes, you know, as I was going out for a walk, I got no further than half a block. I had trouble with my foot. There was something in my shoe, and he always tries to stop you. But if I go, I was going out for a walk, I got no further than half a block. Lucas, I had trouble with my foot. And he looks at me and he does this upturned grin. And he's like, he starts to laugh. Like, really laugh. And it's a different kind of laughter. And I'm so proud of myself for identifying this with him and finding this bond with my son. And it's things like that that have him come to me when he wants to share something funny or if something is, you know, hit him a certain way that he thinks is cute. And he just fills my day with happiness and love. And um, I just want everybody to know that. That's the goal, that's the whole point of everything I do here. Just let you guys know that you can have a child who is completely nonverbal, a child who requires profound assistance for their profound autism, and still value your time with them on a level that goes beyond, in many ways, people who require no care on your part. Lucas is um completely unique in terms of his place in my life. I have never had anyone like him around me before. Um, I've never had

Hope For New Autism Diagnoses

James Guttman 15:20

the type of relationship that we have. I never would have believed that the relationship that we have now would ever have been possible. And for many years, when he was little, I almost discounted that option. I thought that being told that your child had autism and would, you know, most likely be nonverbal was a worst-case scenario. And then it's it was another way of saying you're not going to have a relationship with your child. And I prepared myself for it. I thought that's what was happening. And it didn't happen. Instead, I got the most unique relationship I could ever have with another person. It has allowed me to have two children and be able to tell you that the two of them are the two most important people in my world, and the relationships that I have with the two of them are so vastly unique, yet at the same time, at the same time, so profoundly similar to one another. Um, I can honestly tell you I love my kids equally because the relationships that I have with both of them are so different, um, yet eclipse what I've ever had with anyone else. And for that I'm proud, uh, for that I'm happy, and for that I want to share it with you guys. So I wrote about it on Monday. Um, I'm always grateful when he's back in my life. And I want anybody else in a situation, which is the other reason why I do this, and I continue to do this, and I'll probably do this forever. I want anyone who's in that situation now, somebody who has a young child, you know, two, three years old, who's going through the diagnosis, going through the time of, you know, wondering are they ever going to speak? Is this ever going to happen? I want them to know the thing that I've said before, that even when the worst case scenario happens, everything is fine. Just make it your life. Find the positive, find the good, find the connection, foster it, build it. And whatever the limitations are, whatever the obstacles, you'll get through them. We all get through them. Whatever you've ever been through in your life, right? You've gotten through it. And you know how I know that? You're listening to a podcast right now. So obviously, all those times that the world was burning down around you, it didn't burn down. You're still here, you're still doing your thing. Yeah. It's all good. It's

Where To Follow And Next Posts

James Guttman 17:38

all good. That does it for me, guys. Do me a favor, join me on Monday for a brand new Hiblogomdad.com blog post. Next Friday, high potomdad.com. I'll be right back here. Follow me. Social media, hi James Gutman, H I James Gutman 2Ts. I'm on TikTok and Instagram and the whole shebang. And I'll talk to you soon. Until then, this is James Gutman saying, Be well. Bye pot.