Before And After Moments

James Guttman 0:51

Hipod, it's James Gutman. It is Friday. It is August. It is 2026 and it is after. And what am I talking about? For those of you who have followed the blog at Hiblogomdad.com or the podcast here at HiPodomdad.com and all the streaming services. You guys know I've talked about before and after moments in life and in things that we do. And I've had a few. I wrote it actually, I mean, it's a it's a term that I guess I coined for myself. I mean people have used it, but in terms of my life, it was when I had written a blog about when my friend Chris had passed away. Um when I was younger and the monumental effect that it had on me in terms of how he passed and kind of coming to grips with loss, a subject that I don't know, would be fairly common throughout my life going forward. But the person I was before that, the person I was after that were different. My heart surgery. And it's funny, I always joke about this because life had taken such a turn after my surgery where I feel better about myself and I feel like I've made changes in my life that if my life was a movie and if people were watching it, they would be like, it's so stupid. He died during the heart surgery, right? Isn't that what it was? It was like he died, and then his life was like that was heaven after. It definitely feels symbolic, and it feels like that was a major moment of understanding and things. And I had I had a before and after moment this week. Um, and I knew I called it a before and after moment, but it wasn't for myself when I

Dropping My Daughter At College

James Guttman 2:22

first said it. So for those of you guys who follow, who know and who've been around, uh, my daughter went away to college this week, and um it was a rough day to kind of process it a little bit, right? Like there's something fundamentally bizarre about taking your baby hours away and just leaving her there and then coming home and just knowing she's there. Um and you remember the baby stuff, right? Like, I don't know, I sent her a video that I found of when she was a baby. I said I sent her old pictures when she was little, and it's a lot of memories, a lot of remembering things. And here's the beauty of it. I know my daughter is ready. I talked about it in the blog this week. When I wrote in the blog this week, which was about uh my son needing me and genuinely needing me. And it's and the blog was called Please Stop Telling Me You Need Me, right? It was kind of done. So people be like, what is he talking about? But even in that blog post, I talked about my daughter needs me, but not the same way my nonverbal son does, because she is a force in this universe and she's gonna do amazing things, and I'm so proud of her. And I'm proud of myself for putting that forward because you know what? I don't want her to go away. Like it killed me to leave. But she's ready to do whatever she wants to do. She's capable and she's strong and she's amazing in many ways. Like, I feel like she's smarter than me, she's more organized than me. Like all these things that I wanted her to be, she is. And I will put her above myself and above, even where I was at her age in terms of responsibility and maturity. Unbelievable, unbelievable kid. It'll be easy for me to be like, you're not really ready to go, maybe you should stay. But I would never do that. And I encouraged her. At one point, I even said to her, because she was questioning, you know, she was able to go. And I'm like, listen, Liv, I love you so much. I do, man, I love this kid more than I can even explain to you people. And I was like, I love you so much, but get the hell out of here. Like, if you think you want to do it, go do it because you can do it, you can do anything. And that's been who I've been with her, and it's been who I've been with Lucas, my son. Like, Lucas doesn't get pep talks, written about that before. He doesn't need a pep talk. There's no like good boy. He gets them. Don't get me wrong. I'll be like, Lucas, my God. He gets it from the emotion and the excitement. Look at you. All right, buddy. All right, nice. But I've treated Lucas like an adult as long as I could. I've always treated my son like he understood everything, even when I didn't think he did. The phrase, the the whole way I termed it used to be, you know, I I read to him when I didn't think he was listening. I talked to him when I didn't think he noticed. I told him I loved him when I didn't think he knew what love meant. I've always treated him like he can do anything. And the beauty of it is that by doing that, it has made him into the strong person he's become. And make no mistake, man, my son is strong. The things that Lucas does and the things that are asked of him are things that I never thought he could do. Some of the basic things that he understands, like even things that are not told to us. Like the beauty of it is that Lucas is nonverbal, so he can't tell you, oh, guess what? I I know what I know what this phrase means now. He doesn't tell you that. You have to find out on your own by saying it and seeing it. And I had this like last week. I had taken a picture of him, and I think I talked about in the podcast, uh, maybe I did. And he had his hands in front of him, and I just said, I'm like, all right, Lucas, gotta put your hands down. And as soon as I said he put his hands down, which he had never done before. And that was after just years of Lucas' hands down. I put his hands down for him, and I wasn't even thinking I was teaching him that. I was just thinking, I have to put his hands down, let me just say what I'm doing. And I narrate myself, and having done that has made him who he is, and God, so proud of him. And it works for my daughter too. You know, Olivia's my baby. She's like, Lucas is my baby, and that he's the baby of the family. He's always like perpetually just kind of this youthful, cute. He likes, you know, things when he was little. So he's my baby. But Olivia was the first baby, dude. She was so tiny. I used to call her little face. Her face was so tiny. She fit. Hang on, Sam. This is the stuff I didn't tell her yesterday. I didn't want to make it. So sending her to school, too. That's the other thing that you would talk about what a what a wonderful human being I am. Like, I could have very easy the whole way be like, When you were little, you I did not do that. Like we talked about, you know, stuff from days gone by, but there was no sense of like, oh, what am I gonna do without you? No, no, no, no, I'm gonna miss her. I love you. Go. Even when I was there at the end, I was just like, oh, it's starting to get rough. I'm like, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go home now. And left. Um, it was hard. But um, I was a disciplinarian as much as I could be for both of

Discipline, Divorce, And Respect

James Guttman 7:32

them, right? If Olivia did something wrong, she dealt with it with me. I didn't give her carte blanche to be whoever she wanted and do whatever she wanted. And I'm a divorced dad, right? So there's you know, multiple people outside of my purview who know what her life is like. And it took a while to figure out I don't care what anybody else does. I don't care what her mom does, I don't care what the family on that side does, I don't care what anybody treats her like. All I can handle is me and how I treat her. And I want her to be a solid person more than I want her to like me, which is insane, right? Like, and I did that and I worried. I'm like, this kid is gonna resent me. And everyone would say, one day when she's grown up, she's gonna tell you that she respects you for it. And she did. We had this conversation on the way up. I drove her up, and I couldn't have scripted it any better than it was. It was everything I had waited years for to hear things that I, you know, and you think that you think you're making a difference with your kids, and you hope you're making a difference with your kids. And even as as recent as like a couple of months ago, we had a thing where oh my god, this kid doesn't get it at all. This is awful. She doesn't understand, she doesn't know where to do, and like maybe it was uh for her being able to exhale finally, knowing that she's going to school now, knowing that she knows where it is, she knows what she's doing, she has her friends there, she's finally in that place where she's not, you know, riddled with anxiety over it. She was able to tell me, yeah, I respect that we did this, I respect how you've treated me. I've learned a lot from you. It was a beautiful, beautiful day. How did I do this, right? How did I end up being this parent that can do this with my kids, both of them? Same thing with Lucas. Treat him like an adult, have him act like an adult. People hear this sometimes, they go, Well, you saw it, you know, you must have been raised. Well, no, I wasn't. I grew up around a lot of flawed adults. And it would have been nothing for me to be a flawed adult with my kids. I could have followed what I saw, I could have been who was around me, but I'm not. Instead, I became the adult that I wished was around me when I was a kid. I became the parent that I didn't think really existed. That's who I became. And in doing so, my daughter, my son have achieved things that I never would have dreamed they could achieve. And I'm proud of myself for being able to give them both the lives that they want and deserve. That's major. And that's something to be proud of myself for. And as somebody who rarely like talks about like, oh, I did this and I did that, and look how great I this is the one thing that I will applaud myself for. Because these two kids are the most important things to me. Everything I do is for these two kids. The jobs that I take, the work that I do, the things that I write, the fact that I keep this house clean, the fact that there's food in this house, it's all for them. If it wasn't for my kids, I I don't know, man. I'd be a drifter. I'd be like the hitchhiker on the old uh that old TV show just turns walk around my thumb out and cause chaos. I don't know. I've thought about that. It's kind of weird. Like I don't know who I would be if I wasn't tethered to this beautiful life that I've created. I couldn't be happier than I am right now, while at the same time being sad about my daughter being gone. This feels like a definite before and after moment. The way I felt two days ago is very different than I feel right now. And I've had time to think about it. I've had a long drive. I drove both ways, right? Like, so it was she went to school hours and hours away. But I made it a point to be home the same day. That way, as I told her last night when I texted her, I said, it's nothing, it's a day trip. Not really a day trip, but like it's a day trip. I could be there in a minute. Because I can be. Um, and for that, that made me feel better. Talked about her anxiety, worrying about that. I have my own. Like, what am I gonna do so far? I'm so proud. I'm proud of what we've built, and I'm proud of where we are. I'm proud of the circle around us, I'm proud of the decisions I've

When One Child Still Needs You

James Guttman 12:00

made. I'm proud of the two of them. But yeah, my daughter doesn't need me. Don't get me wrong. She needs me to help and to do things for her. But if I wasn't there, I know she could do it. And I know that there's gonna be a time where she's eventually gonna do things that are gonna blow me away. You know, like, oh my god, because of what she's capable of. My son needs me. Lucas needs me. Lucas without me is not sure if he's gonna get fed. Lucas is not sure when he goes to sleep. I even talked about he will literally be in his room jumping around, screaming on his iPad with all the energy in the world. And I'll come in and be at nine o'clock at night. I'll be like, Lucas, give me your iPad and he'll hand it to me and then go to bed. Because he doesn't think. Let me put this thing down and go to sleep. No, he needs me to be like, dude, go to bed. And that is not something that I take lightly. I know how important it is, and I know because I also had another person who needed me for a long time too. Olivia needed me for years. And in the end, I feel like the work that I did to help her has built her into this person who is going to make waves, who is going to do so much. And guess what? So is Lucas. Lucas has the kind of personality that people love. Lucas has a smile that lights up a room. When Lucas is laughing, everyone stops. And people notice him. Which is why I do this, right? Like Lucas is someone that if you walk into a room and you see him there, you know he's there. He doesn't, and sometimes it's hard on these podcasts and blogs because people don't know him firsthand. But if you meet him, you get it immediately. You're like, oh, he's got autism, or there's no like he doesn't have to come out or anything like that. And most people will see him and look from afar and not really get it. And I've devoted my life to making sure people understand this kid because the beauty and who he is and the purity and his emotions and the things that we should all emulate from him are on full display, and he's not able to tell you that he can show you that, and all I do is point it out. And that makes me so proud to be able to do that, but he's needed me to do that because if I was just another person who's like, I don't get him, we wouldn't get him. But oh my God, once you get it, you can't unsee it. There's beauty to it. So I'm proud. I'm proud of both my kids. I recognize my responsibilities, and I'm proud to say that my son needs me. Um and I'm proud to say that my daughter needed me. And now she might not necessarily need me, but I'll tell you, if I have to, I will drive hours in a heartbeat to go help that kid. She's my world, they both are.

Gratitude And The Next Chapter

James Guttman 14:47

And I want to thank you guys, man. Like getting to do this, getting to come on here and do this podcast. I haven't talked too much to anybody about this yesterday. Like, people would write to me and I kind of give them, like, oh, yeah, sorry. Because it's it's hard to put into words, especially in that moment. And this is my opportunity to sit down, just speak out loud. Um, and that's been one of the saving graces of this podcast for years is that you guys have given me the opportunity to do that, and I can't thank you enough for it. Um, it's important to me, it's a beautiful thing. And you've watched my kids grow up um through the pages and through the the audio updates and all that. And it's been, I don't know, it's been a big deal. So here we go. Now we begin the after. And the famous quote, I learned it from wrestling, but I guess it was uh was it Hemingway or something? And it's uh, this is not the end, and this is not the beginning. This is not even the beginning of the end, yet it's the end of the beginning. That does it for me, guys. I'll be back on Monday with a new blog. I'll be back next Friday with a new podcast. Follow me on social media, hi James Gutman, H I James Gutman. Till then, be well. Byepod. I'm dead.