Welcome And Family Snapshot

James Guttman 0:00

It's the journey made. Hi Pod I'm Dad. Hi Pod, it's James Guttman. Thank you once again for finding me wherever you found me, whether you found me on Spotify, Audible, Amazon, whatever, HiPodomDad.com every single Friday. Hi Pod I'm Dad, the podcast. Uh also the blog, HiBlogom Dad. I write every single Monday about raising my son and my daughter. As you guys know, my son is nonverbal. He has autism. My daughter is neurotypical and she is um 18 this week, which is nuts. How is that possible? I how do I have an 18-year-old when I'm like, what am I, like 22? I don't know what I am in my head, but it's not what it's supposed to be. Uh either way, I

Why Dad Involvement Gets Applause

James Guttman 0:44

don't know, man. For me, everything is about parenting, right? And people who know me know this. They know that I take this very seriously. Having kids, bringing them into the world. And one of the things that had surprised me from the time that my son was little was the reaction that I received as a dad being involved. I would go to CSE meetings, I would go to parent-teacher conferences, I would go to back to school night. And people would say to me, you know, we wish all dads were like you. And I would thank them. And especially at first, it felt good. It's like, oh, this is great. But then as time went on, it was like, okay, but what I have to do. This is my kid. I could understand, right? If I was doing this for all the kids. If I was like, are there any kids that don't have any parents or parent teacher conference tonight? I'll be their parent. That's above and beyond. That should be like, Mr. Gutman, oh my God, how amazing. But this is my kid. I I brought him here. He's he he came with me. We we drove in the same car. I owe him this. And it kind of blows my mind because, especially as it relates to Lucas, you know, my son, he's 15, he has profound autism, as people say, or severe autism, however you want to put it. He requires a lot of assistance throughout life. And I'm his guide to this world. The challenges that he faces are challenges that were here when he got here. And I had a hand in bringing him here. He didn't ask me, he didn't RSVP, he didn't send me a message or slide into my DMs. No, I decided I want to have a kid. And when my kid came out, he had obstacles in his way. So what kind of awful, terrible, and I'm not even gonna say father, human being would I be? If I was like, well, this is too much for me. I can't, I'm I'm not gonna deal with this. And it sounds ridiculous, right? But people will commend you for it. I wrote about it in my book, I've written about it in the blog before. When I I had a nurse tell me when he was little that a lot of fathers can't handle their son's autism. And I'm like, what does that mean? They leave? I'm not leaving. Are you commending me for not leaving? And it sounds so ridiculous. No, I'm not leaving my

Autism Parenting And Rejecting Pity

James Guttman 2:52

kids. They're the only people in the world that'll never leave, the two of them. I would, you know, if my daughter decided like there was some sort of issue she wants, I would be on her lawn, you know, with a boom box and signs like your dad's outside. They're my legacy, right? That's what your kids are. We talk about masculinity and we talk about what makes a man, and it always amazed me that people think that it's not necessarily masculine to do the parenting for your kids. How is that not the case? As a man, right? I believe that I have to put my best foot forward, right? And before you listen to this, go, well, women too. I'm I know, I get it. I'm talking specifically because I know a lot of times men are given a break. We're not expected to do anything. I've had people make me feel uncomfortable just simply for being there at these conferences. And it's like, if I'm not here, no one's gonna be here. I need to do this. I owe this to my kids. But my kids are my legacy, right? They go out into the world, people meet them. Oh, this is this is Olivia, this is Lucas. They see who they are, they watch how they act. And people make assumptions on my parenting and who I am and how I raise these kids based on how they are. I mean, trust me. I have people make assumptions about where I came from, and I got news for you. It is nothing like you would imagine. So it is not like that. So sometimes you get people this false, you know, this false positive. So I'm sure there's people out there going, You came from good stock. And it's like, you don't know the stock I came from. Uh, but that assumption exists. So my goal is to send my kids out there to be this perfect role model to the world so people can look at them and understand that they came from a place of caring. And it's my job to do that. So it makes no sense to commend me. Now, don't get me wrong, I should keep my mouth shut, and I've said this before. Keep my mouth shut, take the praise. Very few people argue against getting praise and recognition. And I do it across the board. I do it all the time. I do it with Lucas too, because I know that there's people out there that would line up to just be like, it must be so hard for you to raise that boy. Oh, I couldn't even imagine. Oh my God. I can't even imagine thoughts and prayers. Here's my pearls. And I'm sitting there, like, dude, my kid is awesome. Like, if I have a bad day, Lucas lets me go and run and hug him. Lucas is 15, but still acts in a way that allows me to snuggle with my son, treat him like my baby for as long as I want. He's cool like that. And I have to make a concerted effort sometimes to remember there's a 15-year-old boy. I gotta give him privacy, let him do his thing. But I don't know. He's loving and he's sweet. And I've earned that and I love it. So I stop people and I go, hey, look, I know, but like Lucas is easy. They're like, oh, so he can do A, B, and C on his own. He has all these life skills. No, he doesn't. I have a lot of work involved with him. What I'm saying isn't that there's no work involved, it's that he's worth it and the trade-off is worth it. And that's 100% true. That's completely it. Like Lucas, there's days where it's like, oh my God, four o'clock in the morning, what are we dealing with? Hard moments. And I've had hard moments, worries, concerns. Dealt with all that. But at the end of the day, he's worth the work and he's worth the stress and he's worth the worry. And like I said, I can keep my mouth shut and just take that pity? I hate it. I hate the word pity and I hate feeling pity. But I could just take it. Be like, thank you. I appreciate that, but I don't. Same way I could take the praise

The Low Bar For Modern Fatherhood

James Guttman 6:18

for being a good dad. Mr. Gutman, we wish all dads were like you. And it's like, I have an idea. How about instead of telling me that, why don't you tell the dads that aren't like me? How about that? Why don't you call the dads that you've never met, the ones that you know are around. If you see somebody and you're like, oh, I've never seen this dad before, and now he's out with the kid, be like, be like, you know, we wish you know all dads would be involved. You're talking about me? Maybe. I don't know, bro. Whatever you want. I think the bar is so low for men and for dads that you just do the bare minimum and you get applause. And I've talked about this, the stupid memes online where there's a dad literally carrying his daughter's unicorn backpack. And they're taking pictures of this dad. Like, no matter how tough you are, you'll carry your daughter's unicorn backpack. Yeah, of course. What the hell? Why is that a picture? Why is that a meme? Why is that a message? That's common sense. I did my daughter's hair and I bought her Barbie dream houses, and we played Barbie when she was little. You do what you do is your kids. I don't know, man. And it bothers me. And it bothers me because I think that that disconnect that people have from dads to their kids, whether it's special needs or anything, it affects men across the board. I have told this story, I'm gonna tell you guys again.

When Parent Spaces Exclude Dads

James Guttman 7:30

Um, I was in a parent chat group on Facebook for his class, right? When my son was in school years ago. I was there because they wanted, at one point, they needed someone to pay for a gift for the teacher. All the parents were sending in money, they were trying to reach me. I was married at the time, they couldn't get anybody to respond. I found out about this, I joined the parent group, and I was in it. And oh man, they I mean, it was I didn't really interact too much. I would. If somebody asked a question, I would do it. A lot of complaining and this and that. Um, no one seemed to have any sort of you know advice to offer, just a lot of, you know, I went through this today, I went through that today. And I would offer support, like, oh, hang in there, that kind of stuff. And the woman who made the group started every morning, good morning, ladies. And there were seven of us. So there were six women and me. So I'm like, all right, so I let it go for like a little while, and then finally one day I wrote to him, like, hey, I don't I just want to point out you say hello ladies every morning. Can you maybe you know, don't forget I'm here too. Oh, okay. And guess what? Hello, ladies, hello ladies, until I left the group. And then she told somebody else, well, he knew it was for moms anyway. Like it's almost like this resentment. And I've tried to reason it out psychologically. Maybe they resent the fact that their husbands aren't involved, and here I am doing my thing. I don't know what it is. I just know it sucks. And I know when I see the the memes about, you know, autism moms, hang in there, mama bears. From people, there was a mom that used to call me for advice all the time. All the time, can you I just want some advice about autism? I would give her advice about autism. Meanwhile, her posts on Facebook were about how tough autism mamas are. And I'd be like, are you kidding me? Like, are you missing

Toward Autism Parents Not Autism Moms

James Guttman 9:20

the point? I'm an autism dad. But at the end of the day, maybe we shouldn't make these things gender-specific. Maybe autism parents should be the ones who get the praise because I've known dads who are involved. Granted, it's not an abundance because they get the out, but there are dads out there and you're pushing them away and you're making them not a part of it. And it bugs me, man. It just bugs me. Be a man, raise your kids. And if you see a man who is raising his kids, here's an idea. Why don't you not make it seem like you're at the circus? Don't make a big deal. Whoa, look at you. Oh. I have dated references, and I apologize. They're old, but maybe you'll get them. I feel like Mr. Drummond, when he would tell people that Arnold and Willis Jackson on different strokes were his kids. And he'd be like, hey, I'm Mr. Drummond. These are my children, Arnold and Willis. And the person be like, What? Because he's white and they're black. Can't be. Oh my God. Same thing. I'd be like, oh, I'm here for oh, Mr. Dumm, there's a dad. That's ridiculous, man. That's ridiculous. But you guys get it, right? You get it? Good. Because it drives me crazy. So that's it. Let's uh let's make the men step up instead of making the men who have stepped up feel like a little awkward about it. And then maybe we'll be in a better place.

Wrap Up And Where To Follow

James Guttman 10:34

And that does it for me. I'll be back next week in this place right away, Friday. Again, new HiPod I'm dad. Available everywhere. Hi blog I'm dad. That'll be on Monday. Uh go on social media. Hi, James Gutman. H-I, James Gutman. I'm everywhere. TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, uh threads. I have threads, right? I think I have threads. I have blue sky. I think I don't use I don't use anything. I use everything except for um uh X. So I don't I don't I jumped off Twitter a while ago, which I don't know, I haven't missed it at all. So there you go. So do me a favor, join me, follow, send me a message, and we'll talk. Until next time, this is James Gutman saying, be well. Byepod. I'm dad