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It's the journey made with Pod. Hi Pod I'm Dad. Hi Pod, it's James Guttman. It is Friday. It is May. It is another edition of HiPodomDad.com. Thank you so much for joining me here. Whether you found me on any streaming service, HiPodomDad.com. It's everywhere. I appreciate it. Thank you. Um, this week's show is about understanding. It's actually the subject that I wrote about for HiblogomDad.com. On Monday, every Monday, I do a new blog talking about my nonverbal son. I talk about autism. I talk about parenting. I talk about life in general. And sometimes when I write about my son and the positive ways in which autism affects his personality, it reads more like I am condemning a lot of other people in my life instead of raising him up. And this week was kind of a mix of the two because a lot of the positives that I find about having a boy like mine is how different he is from a lot of the preconceived notions that we have about people around us, right? A lot of people like to hide their intentions. They hide the true nature of what's going on. They gaslight, they play games, wordplay, and dancing around subjects. Understanding my nonverbal son is easier than people think. In fact, I understand him better than anyone. Lucas, with no words, makes his intentions clearer than people with a thousand words, clouded by social norms, misrepresented ideas, and shame. He is true to himself in ways that most people can't even fathom. And it makes him the person I understand the best. And when I say that, it sounds like I'm talking about people in my life, and sometimes I am, right? Like anybody who has a kid like mine knows that feeling when you're dealing with a situation, whether it's a relationship, whether it's a friend, whether it's a relative, whatever it is, and that person is obviously playing some sort of game. Whether they know something they're not telling you, whether there's some hidden thing going on that you don't know about, um and the frustration that comes with that, and then the flip side to hang up that phone or to walk away from that discussion and have Lucas come over and just literally shove a cup in my face for water. And I'm just like, this is easy, right? And I know I get pushback on that, and maybe it's me. Look, maybe I'm a hippie, maybe I'm overly positive. I had heart surgery. You guys have heard the story a million times, changed my perspective. I want to live a happy life. I love the fact that my son knows what he wants, has found ways to communicate that because long before we ever had the, you know, the communication device, long before even Pex, like Lucas was always finding ways to let us know what he wants. Sometimes they weren't easy to understand. And that's what took a while. It wasn't him that needed a lot of the assistance, it was me understanding what he meant. Lucas is he's big on just kind of like gesturing towards something. And, you know, rather than standing there and being like, Lucas, I don't know what you're pointing at, I don't know what you're doing. I'll take him by the hand, come over, come over with me, or I'll go find his device, show me what you want. It's about listening. And it's about watching and paying attention to what a child like him wants. But make no mistake, the things that he wants and the things that he shows me and tells me and uh points out are real. And that's the biggest difference. I get the communication breakdown. I get the people don't understand. Well, how do you understand what he said? Okay, that part I get. But when it comes to really truly, aside from the communication, the understanding, the fundamental understanding of what his real needs are, it is so easy with my son versus other people. And we've been through it, man. We've all gone through that. Somebody comes to you and you know, but hey man, do you want do you want a sandwich? I don't, I don't know. I really shouldn't. Maybe, yeah, I don't know. And then like a week later, well, you didn't want to give me that sandwich. And I knew when I'm like, oh my god, dude, just eat the sandwich. Lucas doesn't do that. Lucas will never look at like the last piece of pizza and be like, no, I want it, but I don't want it. Somebody else is gonna eat it. He doesn't do that, he'll just take the pizza. If you offer it to him, it's gone. Uh, I talk about one of my favorite, my favorite Lucas moments. We were downstairs in my house. We were in the the basement, the den, and we're hanging out, watching TV. He's running around playing on his iPad. And he wants to go up to his room. And he'll get really all of out of nowhere, want to run up to his room, wants to be somewhere else. This has happened for a while. It's kind of kind of adorable. And he'll come over to me and he'll he'll go to leave. I went, Lucas, no, no, don't leave. And I don't know what it was. I was feeling silly, I was you know being playful. Um, I turned it up a notch, right? So I'm like, buddy, please, come on, stay with daddy, come on, stay, stay, come on. And I'm doing the you know, the whole practically pleading with him. And he's standing there and he's got this face where his like his eyebrows are raised, and he's got one foot out of the room, like he's ready to bolt. I'm like, please, buddy, come on, stay, stay, stay with daddy. Daddy loves daddy, come on, and I'm patting my chest, come on. And then finally I went, I mean, if you really want to go, okay, you can go. And before I finish the sentence, he was up the stairs. And it was the funniest thing because he was just like, oh, good, I'm out. Lucas doesn't adhere to kind of social norms, as we say, or pleasantries or polite back and forth. Lucas knows what he wants, and Lucas goes for what he wants in every single way. I have so much respect for that. I love that about him. Now, when it comes to impulse control, and this is the thing too that makes me not just love how he communicates, but respect him in ways that, again, people don't get. People don't understand it. They see the two of us together, they see, you know, that he does things his own way, they sometimes write it off like he's not a part of the conversation. But no, my son is a big part of everything, right? He knows that I know what he wants and he understands that. And I've talked about trust and the fact that if Lucas wants food, he doesn't freak out because he doesn't think I'm gonna feed him. You know, like he knows dad, he's gonna feed me, I'm gonna be cool, I'm all right. So even if he has to wait, he might whine a little bit, but he gets it. Whereas around someone else, he'll maybe melt out. He might get upset, throw himself on the floor. That's a big one. People are like, oh, he drops to the floor. He does that when he's in a situation where he doesn't know if he's gonna get what he wants. And I've spent the better part of 15 years building up this understanding and this relationship with him, where he gets that whatever he needs, I will provide. And in the very least, I understand what he wants. And what's crazy about it is that initially it used to be doing the things that he wants right away, and then he'd be cool with it. But now we've gotten to the point where he even understands that if he doesn't get it right away, there's a reason for it, right? If food is cooking or for waiting, and I do the pantomime, I do the whole thing, he'll want to cook. I go, Lucas, no, no, no, no, we're gonna wait. You know, do the wait, the hands in the air, we're gonna wait, we're gonna cook you later after I'm doing rainbows with my hands and everything. And he gets it. He's like, all right, my dad is telling me this, but he knows that I know. Even if he doesn't understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, even if he doesn't understand um exactly what I'm saying to him, he understands that if he's not getting it and I'm talking to him, it's not a breakdown and not knowing what he wants. It's that he can't get it at that moment. So when he waits, right? When Lucas doesn't attack the food on the table because I told him to wait, or when Lucas doesn't, you know, run into the street or, you know, run to somebody else's table at a restaurant and take their food away. I'm aware of the impulse control that that requires. And that's what makes me respect him. My son's emotions, feelings, wants, needs are on full display for him constantly. His need for certain things will take over his whole being in a moment. I said before, he'll decide he wants to run upstairs to his room, he runs upstairs to his room. It would be like, you know, I'm sitting downstairs and watching TV and I'm thinking, you know, I'd rather be in bed laying down. And I just ran away, ran to go do it. That's what he does. The second the mood hits him, he wants to go do it. So if he wants to eat, and he can't eat yet, and I communicate to him that we have to wait, and he's trusting me on it, I'm aware of how strong that impulse is for him to want to eat in that moment. I'm aware through the years of how badly he wants to go jump into the fridge, like literally jump into the fridge. And he doesn't. And I love him for that. I really do, man. I love my son for that. Because part of the understanding process, part of the trust and part of the building that we've done together is not just him understanding who I am, but me understanding who he is, right? Like he learned to trust me. He knows that I got him, he understands certain things, but I understand him. And I know that his emotions burn brighter than anyone else. His feelings are so strong and so real that if he wants to eat and I can't feed him in that moment and he's waiting for it, I'm aware of how difficult that would be for him. Would have been at one time. Uh, the bridges we had to build of understanding between the two of us, it has been one of the most important things I've ever done in my life, probably the most important thing I've ever done in my life. When my son was small, toddler preschool, I was in fear that where we are right now would never be possible. And it sounds funny to say because so many of the things that I thought I needed from him as he got older didn't happen. Like we don't have words, there's certain life skills that he doesn't have, there's certain um independent actions that he can't do. That breaks my heart, and it would have broken my heart when he was little. But I've learned as we've gotten older, it's not about that. He didn't need to do anything. The two of us together needed to learn each other. The skills that I thought that he had to have in order for him and I to work together weren't real. They weren't what was needed. What was needed was me to understand, me to listen, and him to trust and to see what I can do. And because of that, man, we are so lucky. And that's why I always say that even when things don't turn out fine, they do. Um even when something happens that feels like the worst case scenario, it could still be perfect. Because often we don't need the things that we think we need, and we don't know what those things are ahead of time. We tell ourselves, you know, my son has to talk, my son has to, you know, brush his own teeth, my son has to tie his own shoes, and then they grow up. And you realize, oh, all those things are I needed. My son just needs to know he can trust me. My son needs to know that I have his back. My son needs to know that if he controls his desires and his impulses, he'll be rewarded. And I don't know, man. Like people will ask, like, like, how'd you do it? I don't, I can't give you a checklist of this is how we did it. I can tell you the things I didn't do. Um, I didn't, I didn't stand back while he melted down and and record it and put it on the internet. I didn't um I don't know. I don't I don't focus on the negatives of who he is. I don't use him as a built-in excuse, right? And people would give you that right when he was little. You know, oh, the party's at seven, but I get it with Lucas. If you can't come, or if it's late, and then here I am running late on my own, and then I get there, I go, Oh, it's my son. Like, I didn't I never did that. He's a person, he's not a burden, he's not, I mean, he's a responsibility, but that's not his primary thing. He's he's my kid. I love this kid, man. I've been through different rough times, I've been through crazy situations, I've been through annoying situation. I was through an annoying situation this week. I mean, come on, come on. And he is the guy that kind of got me through it, man. Like I'm I'll go through an annoying back and forth, a phone call, something I don't like, and then there he is. And I hug him and I squeeze him and he lets me. I'm so lucky to have him. And this is not something I'm saying for a fact. This is not something we're saying to feel good. I remember one time somebody had said they go, they go, Oh, it's not easy raising a kid with autism, but I guess that doesn't get clicks online. And I was like, dude, if you don't think negative stories about parenting a kid like mine would get clicks, you don't know how the internet works. I see them. I go on, you know, Facebook and TikTok and all these different platforms, and I will see these negative stories that people have about their own children. And I get the need for it once in a while. And don't get me wrong, man, I've written blogs about the pain and the suffering and the worry and the, you know, I had one morning where I just kind of like lost it. We go through them and we have those times. But anybody who follows my blog, anyone who listens to this podcast, anyone who bought the book, they know that I don't I don't focus on that. That's not my primary view of my son. Lucas is a wonderful kid, and that doesn't mean that there's no difficulties, that doesn't mean that there's no problems. Um he's a person. And as a person, there are times that are harder than others. But he's a person in my life, and he's one of the two most important people in my life, and he's not important because I have to take care of him, he's not important because he needs me so badly. Um he's important because I need him, just like I need his sister. I need my son, and I've built this relationship with him without words, through understanding. And I spend literally every week for the last 10 years trying to tell everyone about it. Uh, I get to write about him, I get to share stories about him, I get to do, you know, speaking events and talk about him. And it means so much to me to be able to share that part of my life. Because to me, it's obvious. It's like, this is how I live, this is how lucky I am, this is how happy I am. And sometimes I write it out and I'm I'm surprised that people don't know. Um, you know, and every once in a while we get a glimpse from a different point of view. I'll see a picture of him or a video of him and I interacting, and I think to myself, oh, oh, I could see how somebody would see him and be like, oh, that must be difficult for the dad. So I understand that. There was a time before I had him where I would see a parent in my situation be like, oh, thoughts and prayers. But trust me, like living it, I don't need your thoughts and prayers. Um, I need understanding in certain instances. I can't always, you know, be as flexible as somebody else might be. I have I have a large responsibility when I have my son with me, but the positives to Lucas far outweigh the negatives. And I will spend all my days explaining that to anyone who listened because he deserves it. Um, I love him, and I just want everybody to know. So, yeah, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to do that. Do me a favor, go to highblogomdad.com. Check it out this week. Monday, every Monday I have a new one. That's what I wrote about last Monday. Uh, new podcast, like right here every single Friday, whether it's on Hipodomdad.com on any streaming service, just plug me into your ears and listen away. Pick up the book Hi World I'm Dad. That's available digital. There's an audio book. I spent two days reading it to you, so uh check it out. Um, it's all available, guys. This has been a great journey. Follow me on social media, hi James Gutman, H-I James Gutman. That's me. I'm on you know, Facebook and TikTok and Instagram and yada yada yada woof. Uh, if you're an office fan, uh that does it for me. I'll be back next week. Until then, this is James Gutman saying, be well. Bye, Pod. I'm dad.