Meet James And His Message

It's a journey made with Love, Pod HiPod I'm Dad. Hi Pod, James Guttman, the host of Hipodom Dad.com, the dad behind Hiblogom Dad.com, and the author of HiWorld I'm Dad No.com. You could find that on you know Audible and audio format, digital format, print format, all sorts of formats. Read the book, tells the story of just raising my son and the journey we've been on from the beginning, very similar to Hiblog I'm Dad, in that I tell stories about him, but I give you the overall arc from beginning to end of kind of my journey towards autism appreciation, which is what I call the way I see my son's outlook on the world. I appreciate the way that autism affects his personality. It's a beautiful thing. And I love him in many ways because of how autism affects his personality. He's a sweet kid, he's kind, he doesn't gaslight. And every time I explain that, it sounds more like an indictment of the people who aren't on the spectrum in my life than really praising him, but it's totally true. Like I don't necessarily surround myself with gaslight. I've been around people who gaslight and yell and scream and get worried for way too long. But he's not like that. Lucas is the purest human being you'll ever meet. But part of the journey that I talked about in the book, and part of the journey that I talked about in the blog on Monday, which new blogs go up every Monday, uh, which was called We Didn't Start Like This: How My Nonverbal Son and I Found Our Rhythm. And this was an important thing for me to write because I had experiences this past weekend that shined a light on it. And I'll tell you what happened. So I went to get my oil changed. And I was making the appointment on the phone. My daughter was next to me when I made the appointment. And when she heard me, she turns and she goes, I can't, I can't watch Lucas while you go at that time. I'm busy. I said, I don't need you to watch Lucas. And I get why she said that. In her life, she's had times where she sees we can't bring Lucas places. It's very difficult. And there would have been a time, not too long ago, where bringing him to go wait at an oil change or to, you know, leave the house for a while would have been an issue. And that would have been the kind of thing where I go, yeah, somebody else do it. But I said, no, I'm gonna bring, I'm gonna bring Lucas to this oil change. Not only are we going to bring him to the oil change, but we're gonna walk around while we go to the oil change. We're gonna go to the stores and the strip mall. You know, there was like a five below that we could walk to. And what was even crazier was that um, without giving away the story about this, it's exactly where I live. There's uh there used to be an easy way to get to it. They're doing construction, so it was really difficult to get into the parking lot. But I said, you know what? No, we're gonna go. Uh, maybe we'll get something to eat, we'll do whatever. And then after that, we'll go to we'll go to Plato's Closet, which is this um store. It's a thrift store. And if you don't have a Play-Doh's closet near you, uh I'm so sorry for you because Plato's Closet is awesome. Uh it's pretty much like a not a high-end thrift store, but it's a thrift store that kind of specializes in um nice things. You know, high um, you know, Calvin Klein, Lululemon, you're not talking Gucci, but we're talking good stuff. So we I like going there. It's worth, it's definitely worth the trip. But it is not just a closet in name only. It is cramped, it is kind of chaotic. Um sometimes it's a lot to go into the I bring him with me. He likes to go. So we go to get the oil changed, and he's sitting in a chair in the waiting room. And he's being great. And when I talk about how things have changed, I wrote uh about a two years ago, maybe at this point, about the first time I brought him to a party, and he was able to sit by himself at this party at the table while food was being served, and I was across the room. And Lucas didn't grab food off anyone's plates, Lucas wasn't grabbing anyone, Lucas wasn't having meltdowns. He sat there. And to this day, man, and I'm not even being dramatic, when I think about it, it still kind of like gets me where I'm like, oh my God. I'll never forget the feeling of watching my son sit there and handle himself like a mature boy and not doing those things. And he was just kind of calm and it was beautiful. It really was. It was like a moment that I won't forget. And that's what happened here at the oil change place. We go in, we're in the waiting area, and I can still see him. It's one room, so he's, you know, maybe 15, 20 feet away. And he's sitting there quietly on his iPad, too, because one of the things with him is he's cool with however the volume is on the iPad. I'll put it on one, literally one volume. You could hear it right up to his ear, and he'll sit there and he'll play with it, and he's cool with it. And I'm going up there and I'm uh, you know, giving my keys over and telling them, you know, what I want to have done. And as I'm doing it, there is a guy next to me dropping his car off. And I wasn't listening to his conversation. I wasn't hearing what he was saying. But the guy must have asked him if he wanted to stay. Um, and there's this background here, let me explain it to you because it's one of those things where, like, I don't know for sure, but he must have asked him if he was staying, and the guy must have had a child with autism at home, right? Because all I heard was kids with autism don't like to wait. And instinctively, I'm like thinking, I'm gonna punch this guy in the face, so I'm not my kid. Like the first thought when you hear that, when you have a kid with autism in the waiting room and the guy says kids with autism don't like to wait, my instinct was he's talking about me. And I'm gonna confront this guy. And I kind of looked up and I'm kind of staring at him, but as I'm doing the stare, I'm thinking to myself, wait a minute. First of all, they don't they don't even know he's with me because I'm online over here. He's being quiet. Like it's like you don't even know he's there, and he's not having trouble waiting. This guy is obviously not talking about me. And I kind of looked up at him. Uh, and it was obvious too, because the the guy who was checking him out, the cashier, I know the guy, his name's Shane, he looks over, he's like, hey, how are you? I'm like, oh good, good, good, I'm good. And I kind of jumped out of that confrontation mode and I looked at it like such a I won't say profound, but like such a major compliment that this guy doesn't even realize he's giving me. Because yeah, no, kids with autism don't like to wait. My kid's waiting in the waiting room quietly. And I was so proud of him in that moment because yeah, he doesn't want to wait, but he's waiting because his dad brought him. He knows that it's important, and he also knows that I do things for him, and this is something we've built through the years, but in that moment, it was an acknowledgement for me of his patience. For me, right? It's not one of those things where it's like, Lucas, come on, we have to wait. Don't you understand? This is what big boys do. No, no, no. He lives his own life and he sees the world through his own eyes. And in his world, he doesn't want to do that, but he's doing it for me. So it isn't one of those things where it's like, well, of course, that's what he should do. No, this is a major ask that he does without hesitation. This is something that years ago we would have had a problem with. And I would have prayed to the heavens to get past it, like haircuts where he didn't like haircuts. And I used to beg the universe to make him stop hating haircuts, and then one day he stopped hating haircuts. Food, understanding that food has to cook. How am I ever going to teach this kid we have to cook food? He gets it. But what ends up happening when you raise a boy like mine is that when you get past those humps, there's always other things you have to work on. You sometimes lose sight of the fact that this thing that he's doing right now, today, I would have given my right arm to have him do two years ago, three years ago. What an accomplishment. And we miss it. We're so busy focused on the things that aren't happening that we lose sight of what has happened, what we should be grateful for. And I was so grateful. And after that, man, we went, uh, we went over, we walked over to Five Below, and we got squishies for a birthday we were going to, and he was fantastic. The the walkway to get to the strip mall is under construction, so we had to like be really close. He had to be careful, we're walking through traffic. It was perfect. And it was a long walk, too. And again, there would have been a time Lucas wouldn't have wanted to walk, he would have laid down on the ground, doesn't want to do it. He did it every step, and I was so proud. I'm still even now telling you the story. I'm so proud of him for how he was. Uh, and then we went to Plato's closet, which I talked about, this uh thrift store. And I have a video on the blog on Monday that shows you how happy he was at this place. And he's sitting there and he's smiling at me, and he does this thing that he does where he spots the camera taking the video and he kind of like makes eye contact with it and smirks. I love that too. Lucas is a product of how he's been raised, right? And I know this for a fact. Like, because people hear sometimes these stories and they go, Well, you're very lucky. I am not very lucky. I mean, don't be wrong, I'm very lucky to have a great kid, I love him, all that. Uh but it would have been very easy for Lucas not to be all these things. It would have been very easy for him to be the kind of kid that melts down, the kind of kid that has these issues, because he used to be, and here's a secret, he still is, just not with me. And it's because of our rhythm, of our dynamic, the idea that he knows that I know what he wants. So if he wants to eat, and I try to send him away, even if we have one of those like days where I'm in a really look, just go, go. He'll go. He'll might whine a little bit, but he knows this guy's gonna feed me. This guy gets it. He's sending me away because he's busy, not because he doesn't understand that I want a quesadilla. Whereas with some people, he won't. Like Lucas doesn't steal food, right? Not with me. And this was a huge issue for like 150 years with him. I don't know how long, it was like forever. He would take, you know, if he saw a cup on the ground, he would want to pick it up and drink it. If somebody was eating a sandwich, he'd try to grab it out of their hand. It was rough. And people on the blogs, I used to write about this when he was little. I wrote about him stealing food. And you talk about scare tactics. One day he's gonna go to jail. Like people were like nuts. Um, autism awareness has definitely come a long way since he was small. But I got it and I was scared. I'm like, one day this kid's gonna be 20 and he's gonna get beat up for taking like a French fry from a baby. Bothered me all the time. Doesn't do it with me anymore. The best example of this was Easter at this point, like three years ago, two years ago, we had gone for a brunch where the tables were so tightly packed together in this hall. It was like being at a wedding with way too many people. And the tables were so tight, and he was literally hovering over people's tables, inches away from their food, and he didn't take anything. We went out to get pizza, you know, with a group of people a couple of weeks ago. And as we were going to the table, a waitress walked by, and uh, I mean, it didn't just serve pizza this place, and she was holding on her platter a steak on a plate. And as she walked by, it was literally under his nose as she walked up. And I watched him look at it and go by. It was like the uh, you know, like when Fred Flintstone would smell the pies and he would fly in the air to the to the steam. I could see it in his eyes. This kid wanted to house this steak, and he didn't. And that's major. But I hear from other people, or I'll hear from school sometimes that he does still grab food. So to me, it is such a a testament to how much work he and I have done that he knows not to do it with me. And he knows I don't need to steal that steak because A, my dad's gonna take it out of my mouth, which I do. It's disgusting. And that's kind of one of the things I taught him too is like just because you're quick and you get it in your mouth, you still don't get to eat it. I shove my fingers in there, I pull it out, it's awful. The first time I did it, I was like, all right, here we go. And I don't, I really don't have to do it anymore because it never happens, because he knows. But also he knows my dad's gonna feed me. We're here at a restaurant. I'm gonna eat food. And he did. I made sure of it. I always make sure of it. And it's that trust, it's that level of understanding, and it's that level of him knowing that I don't ask anything of him for no reason. And it's also his level of knowing that I do things for him. That the times when he gets overwhelmed and he does have to sit down on the ground or get upset, I'll sit with him and I'll rub his back. I don't pull him up by the arm, Lucas. Let's go! Come on, big boy. I don't do that. It doesn't help. And people go, well, you're calm. And I am a cop guy. I mean, I had heart surgery, I had a quintuple bypass in 2012. It chilled me out a little bit. But I'm not like Mr. Patience all the time. And instinctively, you know, whether it was just how my my brain works or whether it was how I saw the world when I was younger, I didn't come from, you know, an environment similar to what I'm giving my kids. I'm coming from almost the polar opposite. So I'm naturally used to the opposite. I don't do those things. It doesn't help him, it doesn't help me, it doesn't help the situation. Um, I raise my daughter the same way. I don't, you know, she's not really used to seeing me scream and yell. I remember the first time I yelled at her when she was like 13. She had lied about something. She's like, you yelled at me, you never yell. I'm like, I I know I don't. I don't like to yell, I don't like to freak out. Um so he knows my mood, he knows my um aura, I guess as the kids say. I appreciate him. I not only appreciate his personality, but I appreciate the things that he does for me and for the family, and how patient he is. Because just like the dude said at the place, kids with autism don't like to wait. And there was my boy sitting and waiting, and how much work it took to get that to happen. And also realizing that it doesn't happen all the time with him. There are people that he'll be with, there are situations he'll be in where he doesn't feel as trusting, where he doesn't feel as understood, and that brings out those behaviors. And I'm not lucky that he's patient and understanding with me. I am proud that he is patient and understanding with me. Because at a time where I could have reacted poorly, I could have shown him that I didn't care. I don't care, we're gonna do this. Look at we have to go enough. I didn't do that. You know, I mean, not to say I never did that. I think anybody who's listening to this, we've had our moments, you know, frustration where you don't like just get in the car, where you put him in, he's crying, especially when he's a little enough, you can just kind of put him here, put him there. Um, but as he got older, and as I learned more about him, and as our relationship grew, I started to understand that I might not understand his world. The things in my world might seem very important, but to him they're not. So I'm asking things of him. And he has to be patient with me in those moments, and I have to then in turn return it when it's time for me to be patient with him. And because of that, we've built, we've built this bridge that was not a one-way street. It was not a foregone conclusion, and we both did the work on it. And I am so proud of this kid. This past weekend was one of those times where you get to look at it in the totality and be like, wow, look what, look what we've built, bro. Look what we've done. Love that kid. And I love the fact that I get to tell you guys about him. I love the fact that I get to share him with you, whether it's on the blog or the podcast or in the book or anywhere else I've written and put my work out. It means a lot. Um, I love speaking about it. If you guys, I mean, anybody's looking for a speaker for an event, I'm I do speaking events because I could sit there and I just did one uh a few weeks ago. I had done a remote speaking event uh for an office function on autism awareness, and I just I just told my stories. And you don't run out of, I don't run out of it, I don't run out of things to say. I could talk about this kid for years and not run out. I didn't, you know, we're almost at a decade on the blog. I've never had a week where I'm like, what do I worried about? Like in all that time, I think there was one blog I didn't like, and that was like the fifth one. Other than that, like I've I've never run out of things to tell people about him because he is so unique and for many people so difficult to understand that I love getting to explain it. And the older he gets, the older I get, the more time we spend together, the more I learn about him and the prouder I am. So when I do these speaking events, I'm able to just talk and answer questions, and it just means a lot. So I have a speaker page on the blog. That's the point of this whole thing. There's a page about my speaking uh events if you want to book something like that. There's also my bio on there, all the work I've done. I couldn't be prouder of him and the fact that I've gotten to share him with you guys, and I appreciate the opportunity each and every timeout. Thank you. So that does it for me. I'm gonna be back again next Monday, new blog, hiblog ondad.com, new podcast next Friday. But also on top of it, follow me on social media, hi James Gumman, H I James Gumman, Instagram, TikTok. I'm on Facebook. Uh, always proud to share stories and share you know different videos and things from our life together. It means a lot to me, but that does it for me. Until next week, James Gumman saying be well. Bye, Pod.