Welcome And Weather Whiplash

It's the journey made with Pod HiPod I'm Dad. Folks, it's James Guttman, the host of HiPod I'm Dad, the dad behind Hiblog I'm Dad.com. Thank you for finding me once again on a Friday. I appreciate it. Um, this weather is stupid. We had like we had like 30 feet of snow last week. And now here we are. It's pushing 70. I'm debating whether or not I put the air on. Up and down, all over the place. And it seems like you can't even trust the weather anymore to be authentic in who they are, which is give it up, man, a great segue. Because this week I want to talk a little bit about the blog that I wrote on Monday on High Blog I'm Dad. Uh, my nonverbal son never pretends. And I really liked writing this one because it goes back to a central theme that I talk about a lot as it relates to my boy. You know, Lucas is 14, just on the cusp of 15. And I like to tell people the positives in his personality that I attribute to him being nonverbal, to him having autism. And this becomes a debate sometimes with people. I say, Well, my kid, you know, it's not the parts of autism that make him great. It's this. Okay, that's your kid. I'm talking about my kid. But Lucas, he's had autism since birth. He has profound autism, severe autism, whatever label you want to put on it. And it affects his personality in almost every single way. Just the mere fact that he's nonverbal affects his personality in so many different ways that there's no way to really unlink who he is from his autism, right? And just like there are definitely challenges that come with it. You know, there's things that we have to teach him, there's things he has to learn, all those things, but there are also positives in how he interacts with the world, how he sees the world that I love and I like to tell you guys about. And so he doesn't have an ego, he doesn't, you know, there's nothing false about this boy. And I wrote about that on Monday. And whenever I talk about the differences between him and, you know, people who aren't on the spectrum, it sometimes sounds like I'm trashing people. And I don't know if I am. Maybe I've met the wrong people, maybe I've been around different places. I've met good, I've met bad. But I've definitely seen personality quirks in people with a million words that Lucas does not have. And that's what I wrote about on Monday, right? People will line up and tell you who they are. It doesn't matter if it's a bumble date or it's a friend or it's an acquaintance at a party. People will sit down and tell you, I'm witty. I'm so witty. Everyone says I'm witty. They're like, you should be a comedian. Oh my God, you're so witty. And then you get to know them and you're like, this person is not witty at all. They just told me they were. And that's a theme, man. Like, I've never in my life told anybody, like, I'm really smart. Everyone's like, Why are you so smart? Like, I've never talked about any positive attribute or even negative attribute about myself in a way that almost declares it. Because that's not what you do. I've kind of always learned that when you're good at something, you tell everyone. When you're great at something, they tell you, right? But I think also just basically built into us. And some people are completely with me. I would never, you know, go out there and tell you anything about the person I am. It's the people who then tell you stories about who they are. And in that story, it shows their personality. I'm gonna give you an example, right? It's one thing to tell somebody, I'm very generous. I'm so generous. Like, oh my God. Everyone says to me, they're like, James, you're so generous. You do such generous things. And then the second you need something, or the second somebody else needs something, they they don't give them anything. And you're like, oh, I thought they were generous. They said they were generous. I'm more into people who will then tell you a story about something, and in that story, they do a generous thing, and then I can turn around and be like, oh, this person is this thing. It's not about claiming to be something. I knew somebody who, their whole thing was that they were authentic. They would tell everyone they were authentic, and this person ended up being the least authentic person I ever met in my life. Those things happen. My son is not like that. My son is real. My son doesn't know how to fake anything. Anything. He can't fake a smile. Every smile you've ever seen in a picture with this kid is real. There's none. I can I've tried it. I forget sometimes that he can't. I'll be like, Lucas, smile, smile. He'll just like look at me and I'm like, oh, he doesn't, he doesn't get it. Lucas can't fake a smile. He can't do a smile on command. He can't do any expression on command. He can't be like, Lucas, look sad. Nope, not gonna happen. Lucas, can you look tired? That's why the whole joke I always tell people that all of my pictures of Lucas are candid. Because I have to catch them in the moment. So when Lucas is happy, I take a picture, he's smiling. But there's no fake smiles from him. There's no fake anything from him. Lucas does not come up to me and it's it's even the smaller things, right? Like if Lucas wants something from me, he doesn't make puppy dog eyes. He doesn't get that that will get him what he wants. He doesn't understand the point of like if I'm cute, this person's gonna want to give me stuff, I'll be cute to them. If Lucas is being like sweet or cute, he just is. That's just what he's doing. That's how he feels in the moment. He's playful, he's silly, he likes you. There's no hugs for the sake of getting what he wants. There's no trying to ingratiate himself to people by doing things he thinks they will want. And when I talk about his profound autism and how it affects it, it's because Lucas doesn't understand that concept. Honestly, and I know my son better than anyone else on this planet knows him. Lucas doesn't understand that there are certain personality traits that people want you to have, that if you have them, they then in turn reward you for them, right? Like if Lucas is nice to you, it's not because he thinks to himself, like if I'm nice to this guy, he's gonna give me a cookie, or if I'm nice to this guy, he's gonna be nice to me. If Lucas is nice to you, he's just being nice to you. He just knows to be nice, he's in a good mood, that's his personality, that's who he is. So there's nothing fake about it. Even coming to my house, and that was the whole point of the blog on Monday, he shows up, it was his time to be with me for the week, and I knew he was excited to be there. Not because he tells me, not because he's like, Dad, I really want to see you. It's really excited, then he doesn't show up, or like, you know, dad, I can't wait to spend time with you, and then he goes sits in his room. No, Lucas doesn't make any promises. Lucas doesn't make any, you know, assurances about what he's going to do when he arrives. Lucas arrives, and I go into my house and I turn around and he's jumping and he's clapping, and he's got a huge smile on his face, and he's giving me a hug. And he's doing that because he gets excited to see me and he's excited to be back with me. And that means more than any words anyone else can tell me. And there's again an irony to it, and I wrote it in the blog, the idea that when he was a baby, I thought to myself, I'm never going to be able to understand what this kid wants. I'm never going to be able to understand who he is or, you know, why he feels certain ways. And I gotta tell you, I understand him better than everybody else. I understand Lucas more with zero words than people who have given me millions of words, people who have tied me up for an entire day with like just arguing in circles about things. And by the end, I'm like, what are you even talking about? Lucas doesn't talk about anything, and I understand him a hundred percent. And I have so much respect for that. And here's the funny part, right? And this is the best part of this whole thing, and I want you guys to remember this. And if you have a child like him and they're young and you're concerned and you're worried, I'm gonna tell you this, and this is what I think is wonderful. All the lessons that I would tell him if he was verbal of how to be, right? Lucas, you have to be authentic. Lucas, you have to be yourself. Lucas, don't pretend for anybody. Go out there, and if you like somebody, show them you like them. Don't pretend to like anybody. All of these pieces of advice that we give to the world that I've given my neurotypical daughter, that I've given other people in my orbit, I'm not able to tell him because he doesn't understand them. But guess what? I didn't have to tell him. He just knows. And I'm blown away by that. I can't tell you why. I can't tell you if it's hard-coded into his DNA or if it's something he's picked up, or if he, you know, vibes off of my energy. I have no idea. All I know is that parenting, which is terrifying, because you don't know if your kids are ever going to pick up what you want to teach them with him, turned out to be easy. Don't get me wrong, it's hard because there's definitely challenges and things that I have to help him with. But in terms of getting him to be a certain kind of person, a positive, good, authentic person, I didn't have to do anything. That's just who he is. And it blows me away. I didn't know what this was going to be. When he was two, three years old, and you told me, picture 15, what's he gonna be? Like, I would have no idea. I'd freak out. I'd be like, does he have a mustache? You know, like I wouldn't even know where to begin. And my son is 15, and I am so proud of him. I'm proud of how he deals with people, I'm proud of how real he is, I'm proud of how he expresses himself. And it's not one for all. And that's again something I wrote in the blog. Like, there's been people in Lucas' life for years that he wouldn't give a kiss to. He would maybe put his head on their head or whatever to say hello. I've had people in my life that he wouldn't even hug. Be like, go give a hug, say goodbye. Wouldn't do it, didn't want to do it. I never make him do it. I guess he doesn't do it. And then there's people who are really great in his life, who care about him and show him affection and understand him and listen to him, and he'll kiss you right away. He'll be excited. You know, we got OPWDD. I don't know if you guys know, off of Long Island, that's one of those, it's a service that we get, and you get a care manager, and they come and they they learn about your child and they help you find services. Uh, we have a woman that's helping us, and she came over and he just kept kissing her on the face. I'm like, Lucas, all right, enough, buddy. I know what you're doing. Just stop, just stop kissing her. She's like, it's sweet. I'm like, isn't it stop? So Lucas doesn't hide it, man. Lucas is like, I'm gonna kiss this woman on the face until she tells me to stop. And he just does it. I'm like, okay, that's authentic as hell, isn't it? So yeah, that's my boy. And I don't know, man. I come on here and I tell you guys about him and I explain who he is because so often, and I realize it sometimes when I post these blogs, like 95%, 99% will be all positive people. This reminds me of my grandson. This is so beautiful. We have a kid just like this at home, but every once in a while you get somebody who will go on there, be like, my son isn't like this, it's horrible. And like it's this whole terrible thing, and I feel bad for the kid. I always do, man. And I'm if you're one of them and you're listening to this podcast, just know something, right? I get it, and there's definitely difficulties with raising a child like Lucas, but I don't, I don't go online and complain about him. And that is because besides all the challenges, besides all the things that we have to do, besides all the things I still have to teach this kid and how, you know, some of my mornings are longer than they need to be, and some of the days are harder than they need to be, him as a human being and who he's grown up to be blows me away in such a positive way. And I feel like the stories of difficulty that come with profound and severe autism don't need to be told as much as people think they do. I don't need you to feel bad for me. I need you to understand that if I'm coming to your party and I'm a little bit late, just be a little understanding that there might have been something going on. Try to understand too if it's like a certain night and I'm not feeling it, or I'm just like, oh, I'm feeling down. Sometimes that happens. We go through it, but it's not what I focus on. It's not the first foot that I put forward. And I think enough people already know how difficult it must be to have a child with profound autism. There's aspects of raising him I don't ever talk about. Things that I know I can talk about in my blog or in this podcast, or two people in general, that they would feel bad for me. Oh my God, James has to do this and James has to do that. I don't want you to ever feel bad for me for raising Lucas. Because, and I realized it early on, it feels, let's go back to it, inauthentic. Because I know in my heart that for all the difficulties and all the things that we have to do, this boy has gotten me through some of the roughest patches just by being himself, by smiling and being real and making me genuinely feel loved and needed and appreciated and wanted in a way that I never question it. I don't know if he believes that. What did Lucas say about me? So he said something about me? Never. Lucas loves you, he loves you. Lucas gives you a hug. He doesn't turn around later and tell somebody else he didn't want to hug you. Lucas hugs you when he wants to hug you. He doesn't, he doesn't really care about presenting himself a certain way because he doesn't understand that other people might want him to be a certain way. He just is who he is. Blows me away. So yeah, Lucas, um, with all apologies to anybody else who's ever made the claim, is the most authentic person I know. By far, no one even comes close. And for that, I'm proud of him. I love him, and I appreciate you guys letting me share him with you. And that does it for me. I'll be back next Friday with a brand new podcast. Until then, this is James Gutman saying, Be well. Byepod. I'm dead.