I'm James Guttman, writer of HiblogImDad.com and host of Hi Pod I'm Dad. Last week I talked about adapting sign language for my nonverbal son. This week isn't about the signs. It's about what changed after he realized that I was listening. Now I didn't notice the change right away. At first I thought what I was seeing was just fewer meltdownI'm James Guttman, writer of HiBlogImDad.com and host of Hi Pod I'm Dad. Last week I talked about adapting sign language for my nonverbal son. This week isn't about the signs. It's about what changed after he realized that I was listening. Now I didn't notice the change right away. At first I thought what I was seeing was just fewer meltdowns, fewer moments where everything felt urgent, moments where he would grab my hand and pull me towards the kitchen, like that was the only way to survive the next five minutes. But that wasn't it. What really changed wasn't what Lucas could tell me. It was what he expected from me. Right? Before every need felt like an emergency because he didn't know if he was being understood. He didn't know if what he was asking me was actually landing. So everything had to happen right now. Urgency, taking my hand. I could be on the computer typing, and he would come over, take my hand, try to lead me towards the kitchen. And even if I knew what he was asking, I still had to go with it. Because to say to him, No, Lucas, I know you want food, no food right now, he would insist because he wasn't sure. He didn't know if I knew. And the only way that he knew that I knew was to bring me by the hand to what he wanted and to see me standing next to it. Oh, he knows. I want this. And even at that point, it would still be a battle because he wouldn't understand the idea of cooking, he wouldn't understand the idea of you just ate, it isn't time for food yet. There were certain fundamental things that were missing in the bridge that we were trying to build with each other. And because of that, to him, everything was an emergency because he wasn't going to get it. Or he didn't believe he was going to get it. Once we shifted by introducing these signs, once we shifted and he knew that he could trust me and that I understood him. And once he realized that I wasn't just guessing anymore, something in him softened. He stopped fighting for his voice and he started trusting that I was already listening to him. And that trust built, right? So he would come to me for food. And there would have been a time where I would have just been like, I have to cook it, Lucas. Just go. And he would melt down, he would get upset, and I would get frustrated, thinking, buddy, I'm cooking for you right now. What are you on the floor about? And I would think, well, he doesn't understand cooking, he doesn't understand time passing, which is, I mean, all things that I've I've considered with my son. He's not, I don't really think he understands time or days, this day is different than that day. And all those things are specific. But when it came for him asking for food, it wasn't really about him not understanding that it took time to cook. It was about him not understanding whether or not I knew he wanted food. And if I did, what food it was, or if I wasn't just sending him away. And because of that, that trust didn't exist yet. And when that trust didn't exist yet, it would lead to him feeling alone, feeling like his needs weren't going to be met, feeling like he didn't understand anything that was happening. But now something changed, right? So once the trust came, and we had to have those moments where, you know, dad has to cook pizza, kid. I gotta cook this pizza. It doesn't just happen immediately. Suddenly he would come back and check in with me. He would go, he would leave the room, go play for a little bit, and then come back in a few minutes to look at me. I go, not ready yet, buddy. And in the very beginning, before he was fully on board with the show, I would have to bring him over to the oven. I would open it, I'd show him, I go, see, pizza cooking, just wait, just wait. I would let him help me put it in at first when we first did it. I'd be ready, we're gonna put it into the oven. I made him a part of the process. I let him know this is what you want. Well, here it is, I have it. This is what I have to do, and at the end, you get it. Because at the end, he always got it. Even the first few times, or he wasn't really getting it. Why is his pizza taking time to come out? He knew that at the end of this little process, it ended with him eating. And it ended with him eating what he wanted. Which I thought about that for years, man. The amount of times I fed this kid stuff that he probably didn't want. I don't know, broke my heart a little bit as a dad. And that's why this was so important, right? But one of the things I think a lot of parents don't get is they think that the outcome of doing this and teaching your kids signs that they understand with you is better behavior or avoiding meltdowns. And don't get me wrong, that's all a byproduct. But the real important thing is trust. Trust is so much bigger than changes in behavior. Trust didn't just change his behavior, it changed his world. It let him know that there was an entire world around him where people understood him, people would take care of him, people would interact with him, and he was part of the conversation. That's it. And that's the big secret, man. The breakthrough wasn't communication, it was connection. One of the things I've talked about repeatedly is that the biggest changes come when I stop trying to pull him into my world, and I just started stepping into his, thinking of things from his point of view. What he does, what he wants, the frustration that I would feel in his position. The most important thing I did as a dad was imagine a world where I was him. How would I feel? If I was hungry and I couldn't make my own food, and I didn't know if anybody knew that I wanted food. And if they did, I don't know if they knew what kind of food I wanted. If they just kind of like make a face at me and then time passes, am I never gonna get it? Am I gonna starve to death in the den? You know, and I don't want my son to have that. And that's why trust is so important. And that trust with it, it goes into every aspect of his life. Once he knew that he could trust me, he trusts me with everything. He trusts me to bring him to someplace new. Again, another problem that we faced for years. We would go somewhere to do a fun event, and I couldn't get him out of the car. He would be on the ground, he would be fighting me. He didn't know where we were, and he didn't trust where we were going. And once he knew that I have his back and that I understand him, suddenly it's not so hard to get him out of the car. Suddenly, it's not so hard to walk him into a new building. Because he knows I'm not gonna bring him into a place and then throw him into a sharp pit. He knows that there's a good chance it's gonna be fun, and if it's not, we're gonna have a good day, and he's gonna be cared for, and he's gonna be loved, and he's gonna be safe and protected. As a dad, that was always my goal for both of my kids. It's always been my goal. I want them to know that they're loved and that they're respected and that they're understood. At the end of the day, it's all about a connection. It's all about letting my son know he's a member of this family and letting him know that even in the absence of words, he is understood and he is valued, and that his needs and his wants are heard, they're accepted, and they're being tended to. He's never ignored, he's never disregarded, he's just as much a part of this family as I am, and I worked hard to make sure he understood that, and he worked hard to make sure that he was understood too. At the end of the day, I thought I was teaching my son how to communicate. What really happened is I finally taught him that I hear him. And once a child knows that, everything changes. This is James Guttman.s, fewer moments where everything felt urgent, moments where he would grab my hand and pull me towards the kitchen like that was the only way to survive the next five minutes. But that wasn't it. What really changed wasn't what Lucas could tell me. It was what he expected from me. Before every need felt like an emergency because he didn't know if he was being understood. He didn't know if what he was asking me was actually landing so everything had to happen right now. I could be on the computer typing and he would come over take my hand and try to lead me towards the kitchen and even if I knew what he was asking I still had to go with it because to say to him no Lucas I know you want food not right now he would insist because he wasn't sure. He didn't know if I knew and the only way that he knew that I knew was to bring me by the hand to what he wanted and see me standing next to it oh he knows I want this. And even at that point it would still be a battle because he didn't understand cooking or time or that he had just eaten. There were fundamental things missing in the bridge we were trying to build with each other and because of that to him everything was an emergency because he didn't believe he was going to get it. Once we introduced these signs once he realized I wasn't just guessing anymore something in him softened. He stopped fighting for his voice and started trusting that I was already listening. That trust built so when he came to me for food he no longer panicked. There was a time when I would say I have to cook it Lucas just go and he would melt down and I would get frustrated thinking buddy I'm cooking for you right now what are you on the floor about. But it wasn't about him not understanding cooking it was about him not knowing whether I understood him. Now he checks in he leaves the room plays for a bit and comes back to look at me and I say not ready yet buddy. In the beginning I would bring him to the oven show him and say see pizza cooking just wait and I let him help me put it in so he could see the process. This is what you want this is how we get it and at the end he always got it. Parents think the outcome of this is better behavior or fewer meltdowns and sure that happens but that's not the breakthrough. The breakthrough is trust. Trust didn't just change his behavior it changed his world. It let him know there was a world around him where he was understood and included. The breakthrough wasn't communication it was connection. The biggest changes came when I stopped trying to pull him into my world and started stepping into his. Once he knew he could trust me he trusted me with everything including going to new places where he used to refuse to get out of the car because he didn't know where we were going or if he was safe. Now he knows I have his back. As a dad that's all I ever wanted for both my kids to know they are loved respected and understood. I thought I was teaching my son how to communicate. What really happened is I finally taught him that I hear him and once a child knows that everything changes. This is James Guttman.